February 2012
4 posts
i like talking about myself
1. mien
2. all at different times
3. mien
4. yes if youre not a dick
5. once i’ve given up i’m done
6. always does
7. yea
8. mien
9. no and neither does talking about pooping
10. mien
11. “kk gym later?”
12. not a form of bc, but supportive
13. not unless it’s my birthday party
14. probs
15. i tripped at bonnaroo, canada, and and my house with awesome...
January 2012
5 posts
I Have the Most Useless Dreams.
tonight i had a dream where i went to a pool party at the house of a kid at my high school that was somehow also near a beach and another kid from my high school was making fun of me for being ugly, then ciara (who apparently is my friend) told me i shouldn’t wear a bathing suit cause i look too fat in it. then i got my makeup done by someone at smashbox who told me to wear whatever i want...
How to Successfully Get Fucked Up and Stay Fed as...
Step 1: sleep for most of the day to avoid the hunger pangs that will ultimately set in as you have had no food.
Step 2: when you can’t take it anymore, search all of your old coats, backpacks, purses, and jeans for all the loose change you can find. Keep searching until you find $6.75.
Step 3: go to your local bodega and buy a bag of pita chips and a coors light tallboy. refuse to...
fact
i had antonio monda as a professor once. he’d sit in the lecture during his screenings. one time he sat next to me while screening “nights of calabria” i was so nervous that i refused to uncross my legs and sat with a dead leg for over 2 hours.
December 2011
10 posts
stolen from liz because no one cares and i'm...
A. Available: sort of. B. Birthday: april 5th. C. Crushing on: billy idol. D. Drink you last had: water. E. Easiest person to talk to: kate. F. Favorite song: right now? sleep tonight by stars. G. Grossest memory: one time i puked and hershey squirted at the same time when i had food poisoning. H. Hometown: hockessin, de. I. In love with: penguins. J. Jealous of: bears. K. Killed someone: if i had...
More Secrets
1) when a guy says “ooh i love when you do that thing with your tongue” i have no idea what they’re talking about.
2) vince libasci told me some vaginas look like homer simpson’s mouth. i cannot un-see this.
3) the other night a guy was going down on me and all i could see was him making out with homer simpson and i started cracking up and he was like “what?”...
November 2011
6 posts
There Was Something in The Air That Night...
Ladies and gentlemen, I have officially lost my mind. Rather, my drunk self has lost it’s mind. What ever happened to those nights in high school where the most embarrassing thing you could have done was throw up all over yourself? My body has become far too accustomed to the endless rivers of toxins I pour down my gullet. Either that or my drunk self has a super-human ability to overcome a...
Shall I Compare Thee to A Summer's Boner?
The things I’ve done for a very good screw
Would make most people cringe the night through
The lengths I’ve gone to procure a boner
Would make Mother Theresa become a stoner
The number of men I’ve taken to bed
Would make my therapist hang her head
The kind of pictures I have sent
Would make most women join a convent
The amount of semen I have swallowed
Would make...
Getting into Skinny Jeans: A Step-by-Step Guide to...
Step 1: Locate pair of skinny jeans. Admire how their natural, drainpipe shape drastically differs from your own.
Step 2: Place jeans up against your body where they should fit when on your person. Depressingly stare in the mirror at all of the areas of your body which are larger than the jeans.
Step 3: Crumple jeans as if they were stocking as to only put jeans on the ankles and thus avoid the...
Sunlight: My Arch Nemesis.
Waking life at 6:18 in the morning on a Friday can only mean one of two things: a strong willingness to succeed and be productive or full unobstructed debauchery. As you can probably guess, I fall into the later category on this particular morning.
Anxiously chain smoking and grappling with my never ending quest to figure out how I got to this point in my life, I can’t help but wonder what...
June 2011
1 post
Roofie Coladas.
Ah, summertime. A time for public nudity and reckless decisions that, when combined, keeps the human population thriving. Though I have been suffering from a general lack of penetration this particular summer, I have had no shortage of poor life choices. The best of which (or worst, depending on your level of sanity) occurred a mere few days ago.
It was the best of thymes, it was the worst of...
December 2010
4 posts
i love...
thing i'm currently obsessed with...
so for christmas i'm getting...
July 2010
1 post
January 2010
3 posts
The Pelican Pierces It's Own Flesh to Feed It's...
Ah, the night before the beginning of spring semester. Visions of busywork and sexually appealing TAs fill my mind as I lay in bed, dreading the paper I have to write at five in the morning. Starting off with a 9:30am course is probably not the best way to begin a new chapter in my life, but perhaps it will induce some sense of responsibility I lack the motivation to instill in myself on my own...
The Leopard of Ill Repute.
Ladies and gentlemen, friends and countrymen! Gather the masses, as Drunk Mandy has made her revival in my life! Last night, holiest of holy nights (Friday) in the holiest of holy places (the east village) the debaucheries of the epitome of poor life choices was roused from her unconscious (most likely cause by drinking, spawning a vicious parasitic cycle within my entrails). Perhaps it was the...
An Ode to My Liver.
Oh, king of metabolic rate and protein synthesis,
The word gland cannot describe your beauty.
The largest organ in my body, I have no doubt
As each day I build you up to the strength of a thousand Sylvester Stallones,
Each one less coherent day by day.
Oh glorious vital organ,
Oh sweet irregularly shaped knight cloaked in membrane,
You liquify daily, yet refuse to to faulter
Like the...
December 2009
4 posts
Drunk Mandy and the Candles of Doom.
Let’s begin, shall we? Last night, holiest of holy nights, was my dear friend Vinny’s birthday dinner. The day had served as a perfect platform for a night of binge drinking: I had gone to both my Monday classes to find a) no one in the first classroom and b) everyone taking a test in the second classroom. It broke my heart that for the first time in several weeks I had taken my...
Lust is Lovely, Dark, and Deep.
Ah, the final stretch of the semester. A time when anxiety is at an all time high and the ability to cease smoking toast is at an all time low. None the less I feel that I have achieved something of an accomplishment by limiting my days of stonerdom to every other day. Cigarettes and red bull seem to be filling the void quite nicely.
And yet, it is also the time of year when I become so ancy, so...
“I broke up with Will cause my guinea pig died and he was a jerk about it”
– Amara “Nigerian Royalty” Nwannunu
Top 10 Things I Would Do if I Had a Penis.
10. Use it as a diving board for Barbie dolls at a local swimming pool.
9. Cover it in glue and macaroni and tell my lover I made it “pretty” for them (especially if the rest of me was still female and said lover was a male)
8. Hold it down and watch it spring back up while making a “boi-oi-oing” noise (don’t think I haven’t done that to a lover before. many....
November 2009
6 posts
Disco Inferno.
At four in the morning, my powers of masterful procrastination begin to weaken. Most of my peers with normal sleep cycles are being attacked by boogie monsters or making sweet passionate love to victoria’s secret models, leaving me to pass the time in the conscious world alone. It is about this time every night (or morning) that I attempt to lay my head to rest and am cosmically punched in...
King of the Forest or Complete Failure?
Boredom fills my lungs in the form of endless cigarettes. Perhaps it is my way of passing the time with the constant hand-to-mouth action, perhaps I’m subconsciously trying to reduce my remaining time on the planet, but it’s a temporary satisfaction that will only end with the expulsion of some sort of mangy beast that springs forth from my lungs and tells me to do something...
An Ode to Toast and Failure.
Sitting here anticipating the toasty spliff that monica is rolling, I can’t help but feel a tinge of disappointment within myself for skipping this class yet again. Technically nothing is due, there’s never any homework or tests, and each class is spent watching pilots that never went to series making the two hours and fourty five minutes daydream and doodle time. This being the case I...
Be Still My Beating Gag-Reflex
November has found me bored and overwhelmed with confusion. While my procrastination is inching ever closer to it’s critical mass, I have not received any threatening letters from my teachers, only continuing this inferno of smoking toast and sleeping for endless hours. My piercings get a bit twat-ish around this time as well (perhaps because the freakish weather has confused my nipples...
New York's Curse on the Straight Female.
Ah, fall semester at New York University. It is about this point every year that I calculate the correlation between satisfaction in my life and sicking a fork in my eye. My facebook activity is at an all time high mainly because I’ve developed a form of OCD that only becomes apparent when I have work to do. It’s my little way of silencing the high pitched scream ruminating in my brain...
Night of The Living Horny
7:00 am. The morning after Halloween. The hangovers of a thousand unfortunate souls being ever worsened by the sight of the wookie lying next to them that, sadly, is not wearing a costume is palpable. None the less I cannot feel too bad for them, for at least they saw some action last night. I, on the other hand, brood alone in my regret from last night.
For those of you who are in relationships,...
October 2009
4 posts
Out of My Nightmares and into My Life...You ARE...
I left my television programming and concepts class today disheartened at the state of the entertainment industry (shocker). Not only did I see the most brilliant and well shot pilot I’ve ever had the pleasure of experiencing that never got sent to series, but yet again I was subjected to what I call the “tisch brainwashing method” of teaching in which we are told to shake off...
A Tale of Two Personalities.
There are no words to describe how confused, angry, and horny I am at this moment. Only one beast of a being from the depths of the deepest and darkest pit of the Earth has the power to render me speechless by forcing it’s massive metaphorical dick in my ear in an attempt to fuck my mind: Drunk Mandy.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. I’d had an absolutely shit day:...
Hold Fast to Dreams, Because You Can Fly In Them.
It has come to my attention that my subconscious and I are growing apart as people. My subconscious, rather than accepting this fact and either a) repressing itself or b) adapting to change has decided to take the low road and express it’s discontent through a litany of absurd and altogether psychologically manipulative dreams. The most recent of these dreams (ending approximately twenty...
Munchies: The Eighth Wonder of the World.
Having finished “On the Road” today (i know somewhere Lady Gaga is brewing over a cauldron, playing Animal Collective and saying “Dance my hipster sheep, DANCE!”), I felt I had accomplished something of a semi-academic accomplishment. This was the first book I’d read start to finish on my own free will since high school. I felt proud and, of course, celebrated with an...
September 2009
8 posts
I Am Not, In Fact, The Last Of The Famous...
And once again, drunk Mandy has made a mockery of my attempts to garner a thriving social life. For the past three days I’ve been doting on poor Monica, who has been sick, while popping vitamin C and Airborne like vicodin in a desperate attempt to save myself from illness. I HATE being sick. It is the worst feeling ever and, therefore, I was proud of myself when Monica seemed to be feeling...
On Life, In Sadness.
Today there is nothing to make light of. I know my general nature is to twist the mundane into the humorous in an act of contortion on par with Mariah Carey’s airbrush artist, but today I feel compelled to discuss a more profound subject.
I find solace in hilarity. Life is made easier when one can step back and laugh at how ridiculous one’s life and all it’s beautiful mishaps...